


Moving On

by IngridAnne24



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: Multi, jaf are divorced in this, so just to let you know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:41:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22272010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IngridAnne24/pseuds/IngridAnne24
Summary: A couple months after her divorce with Rafael, Jane does what she can to help her two to move on and figure out the next step in her life.
Relationships: Petra Solano/Jane Villanueva
Comments: 30
Kudos: 89





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to be respectful, because while I didn't like Jafael in-show, I feel like it could've been a decent relationship. But the writing wasn't good, so.

Jane had had her fingers hovering over her keyboard for a good five minutes, and she knew this because she had also been staring at the clock on her computer. She knew she had the words in her head, somewhere, but they weren't coming out. She knew what was blocking her, but she thought this would have ended by now; it had been two months.

“You haven't completely moved on,” her therapist said the next day.

“But I have. I'm okay with this,” Jane insisted.

“Jane, you can both be okay with it and not have completely moved on. Repeated after me: 'I'm divorced.'”

Jane took a long breath through her nose. “I'm divorced.”

“And remember, you and Rafael came to that decision together, which showed tremendous growth. Divorce is a serious thing, but it isn't always bad.”

“It hasn't always felt that way,” Jane admitted. “While I'm not really upset about not being married to Rafael anymore—it's actually been pretty good—but I hear divorce, my second divorce, and I just feel sick.”

“That's natural.”

“I don't want to feel that way anymore. Even Mateo seems to be okay with it. He's actually been really mature about it, and I'm really proud.” Jane closed her eyes and ran her hand across her forehead. “It just feels weird to me. It's such a contrast to when I thought my husband died, because it's not sadness, but there is a feeling of grief.”

“Your marriage to the man you thought was the love of your life ended. That's a big deal, Jane.”

“Even Rafael has moved on; I think he's even dating someone.”

“That's great.”

“And I'm not even jealous, I'm happy for him.”

“See? That's a step. It might feel small, but it is a step in the right direction.”

When got home later that day, she felt a little bit better, but when she sat down to write, it still didn't feel right. Was Rafael some kind of muse for her? Could she only write if she was feeling intense feelings? Because right now, she didn't feel intense anything.

She was surprised at how much support she had gotten; even her family didn't judge her for the separation. They all seemed to understand. Maybe they weren't surprised. Shortly after her wedding, a couple months, she and Rafael started seeing a marriage counselor. Xiomara had gently suggested it after she noted that there was a lot of things she and Rafael weren't saying to each other.

After some sessions, it occurred to Jane that her getting married to Rafael was a deep-seeded need to have a “complete” family, after growing up without a father. It seemed obvious once Jane realized it, but honestly, she hadn't seen it. Or she had been ignoring it. And Rafael had the same need, since his adoptive mother (whom Rafael didn't know was his adoptive mother until much later) abandoned him, and his adoptive father (again, not known to him) was distant with him. When Mateo happened, Rafael and Jane both felt this pull to each other because they thought their family would fill these holes in their lives.

And Mateo didn't help, because he thought he needed his parents to be together to have a real family. Jane and Rafael got him into therapy too to help him figure this out. At this point, divorce wasn't even on the table because they figured they could work out their issues, but it planted the seeds.

After more sessions, some by herself, Jane started to see that she put Rafael and Mateo's happiness before her own. She loved Rafael, so she thought that meant they had to be together, but what that love meant, she was just starting to figure that out. 

“Guilt and love are very different emotions, Jane,” her therapist pointed out to her a little bit after a year after the wedding. “They don't usually line up with each other, and yet you said you confused love with guilt for hurting Rafael.”

“But I do love him,” Jane said. “I loved him more than Michael.”

“Why?”

That one word hung heavily and Jane didn't know how to answer for a few minutes. “Because...” That was all she could come up with. “Sometimes you love someone for no real reason.”

“Suppose you did feel guilty, where did that guilt come from?”

Jane was having trouble keeping eye contact with her therapist, and kept focusing on the ugly painting on the opposite wall. “Because I went with Michael instead of him.”

“Michael was your husband, and you were honest with Rafael about your conflicted feelings. Why would you feel guilty?”

“Because he loved me and felt betrayed that I... loved Michael.” It felt weird to say, because it was true that it was natural that Jane would feel that way about her husband, the one she mourned for almost four years, whom she thought was dead. “He made me feel guilty because I still loved my dead-husband, who wasn't dead.”

That session was a turning point. It took a little while for Rafael to see why this was a bad thing, but once he did, it left a mark in their relationship. The therapy sessions helped them both grow, but it caused them to grow in different ways. Two years and three months after they got married, they filed for divorce.

Two months since then, they were starting to create a new normal so that Mateo would still have the family he deserved. And Jane was learning to focus on herself without the stress of a relationship, and it felt good. But again, something still wasn't right. She just wished she knew what that was.

“Lady, you need to just...” Lina sighed breathily through the computer,”go through some men like they're nothing. Don't even ask their names. Just...” Lina accentuated this by pushing her fist against her palm. “Shit, I miss that. I love my husband and my baby, sometimes...”

“You know I'm not a casual sex kind of person. Once in a while it's nice, but, I'm fine with not doing any of that for a while.”

Lina rolled her eyes. “How's Raf?”

“He seems to be doing well. He's being secretive, but I think he's dating someone.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

“I actually feel fine. I'm learning to be happy for him in a way that doesn't make me feel like shit.”

“I don't think I could do any of this. Especially him dating someone else.”

“You'd be surprised what you can do once you actually talk to someone. I feel better than I have in years.”

“Hey, you can talk to me,” Lina said, sounding offended. 

“You're a good person to talk to about other stuff, but I needed to really dig deep.”

“Well, if you want to talk when you decide to get back on it, let me know.”

Jane smiled. “I will, Lina.”

After trying to write again, and giving up, Jane started to get ready for bed, when her phone buzzed. It was Petra.

'I need to go out, wanna go?'

Jane had literally just changed into pajamas, but Petra hadn't want to go out in a while, after she and JR broke up. Similar to Jane and Rafael, too much had happened between the two and they came to the conclusion it was too much. They were still friends and JR was still in the twins' lives, but Petra took some time to cope with that.

'Sure.'

She suggested somewhere low-key, somewhere quieter. Petra agreed and they met there an hour later.

“Lina said I need to get laid,” Jane told Petra.

“Of course she said that.”

“Maybe I should. Something's blocking my writing and maybe I'm just...”

“Horny?” Petra scoffed. “Just masturbate.”

Jane's face went hot. “I wasn't going to say 'horny' but also, I don't think it's that simple.”

“Sometimes it is. There are times where I just know I'm either going to make a bad decision or I just need to relax,” Petra made a quick hand gesture. “Then I'm good to go.”

“I think we're starting to get too open with each other.”

“Whatever, you've seen two babies come out of me. I don't think we have any secrets with each other.”

It was true, they had been through a lot together in, what, almost nine years? 

“Maybe we should go on a trip together,” Jane said suddenly, surprising both of them.

Petra's eyes went wide, then her mouth slowly curled into a smile. “Honestly, that sounds amazing.”

“...Yeah?”

Petra nodded fervently. “I haven't been on a non-work trip in years. I need to get out of Miami, out of Florida, I think.”

Jane hadn't expected this, but the more Petra talked about it, the more she liked the idea. 

“So, maybe a roadtrip? To...”

“We'll figure it out,” Petra said with a dismissive hand-wave, but a toothy smile. 

“We'll figure it out.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Petra start their roadtrip, and have some talks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might tweak this a little bit at some point, I just wanted to get this posted.

“The problem with living in Florida is, we only have one direction we can go: North. So, should we go straight North, or veer off to the West once we get out of Florida.”

“I want to just drive,” Petra said.

“Okay, but we should...”

“I know, but the purpose of an impromptu roadtrip is just driving, see where the roads take us.”

“I didn't take you to be so spontaneous,” Jane joked. “But seriously...”

“I'm starting to regret this. But okay, I say straight North.”

“Up Route 1?”

“Sure.”

It took them three days to come to this decision. Jane made sure everything was squared away when it came to Mateo's schedule, on top of Rafael's schedule, then her parents', then her grandmother's...

“Janey, you need to leave before you change your mind. Have fun, don't fight with Petra,” Xiomara said when Jane popped in to just double check in. “Keep me updated where you are. Oh, you should send postcards.”

The sentimental side of Jane liked that idea. “And you'll keep me updated, right? Let me know if Mateo is okay or not.”

“He'll be fine. I am the kid's grandmother. Anyway, I want you in that car by tomorrow morning.”

Petra seemed very ready to cancel their trip because Jane texted her half the night, making sure she was packed. When Petra stopped responding, Jane thought that she either went to sleep, or turned off her phone completely.

By when Petra showed up the next morning, she was in a good mood. She was all packed, and wore her patented shorts. 

“Before you ask, Jane, I packed for colder weather. I'm European, I know how to pack for cold weather.”

Jane grinned. “Great. Toss it in the car and let's get going.”

They all said their goodbyes to Jane's family before they got into the car. Before long they were going up the highway, making good time. Until they weren't. Jane was glad she was driving because even in the passenger seat Petra was getting frustrated.

“We're taking our time, it's okay,” Jane said softly. “Why don't we sing to keep our minds off of this.”

Unsurprisingly, Petra scoffed at the idea, but once Jane found some songs that Petra liked, they were both singing along. It always felt like a personal accomplishment to get Petra to laugh, especially when her eyes started to scrunch up. Jane even forgot she was driving and kept her eyes on Petra.

“Jane, they're moving up a little bit,” Petra pointed out, still laughing a little bit. “Ah, that was a good idea; a half an hour already passed. Where are we?”

“Around Cocoa Beach.”

“Shit.”

“Come on, come on, let's keep this going.” They sang for a little bit longer and by then, traffic was moving again. They got to Jacksonville eight hours after they left Miami—over two hours longer than it should have been. They had only stopped once, and by the time they got to the motel, they were tired, hungry, and crampy.

“I don't know why I let you talk me into staying in motels,” Petra grumbled as they made their way to their room.

“It's the true roadtrip experience.”

“We're going to get murdered here.”

“It had decent reviews.”

Petra side-eyed Jane at the word 'decent.' But as they went into their room, decent really was the best word to describe it. Tiled floors, ugly bedspreads, bad lighting.

“It's just one night,” Jane said.

They got food from a nearby pizza place. Again, painfully decent. But it was food, and they weren't in traffic. Petra flipped through the channels until she settled on HGTV. They ate their pizza on one of the beds. Well, Petra was picking at it, making faces. They didn't say anything, focusing too hard on House Hunters. Jane could see Petra glance at her a few times, out of the corner of her eye.

“What's up, Petra?” Jane asked.

“JR's dating someone,” Petra said.

“Petra, I'm sorry,” Jane said, turning to Petra. “That's hard.”

“I don't know how I feel about it. I love her, I probably always will, but I've also accepted we're done. And I'm glad she's moving on. And one day, I will too.”

Jane put her hand on Petra's knee. “I know exactly how you feel.”

“By the way, um, I met the girl Raf's dating. Her name is Amelia.”

Jane swallowed. “Oh, yeah?”

“She seems nice, but if you want me to hate her, I totally will.”

Jane shook her head and squeezed Petra's knee. “No. Unless she's awful to your kids, I don't want you hating her.”

“The twins haven't met her yet, so we'll see.”

Neither of them slept well; some couple started out loudly fighting, to loudly having sex. Plus the mattresses were incredibly uncomfortable. They drove up to Charleston the next day, and stayed in a slightly nicer hotel (yes, hotel) this time. It was no Marbella but it made Petra happy. And treating themselves to a nice dinner, well, Petra was overjoyed.

“One night of shitty pizza and this tastes like the best thing ever,” Petra said as she cracked a crab open.

“I think it would taste good regardless because this is pretty amazing.” 

“You have to try this,” Petra said, handing Jane a piece of crab. Rather than trying to take it with a fork, Jane leaned forward and took it between her teeth. 

“Mm, that's so good,” Jane sighed. She licked her lips and sat back down. Then she noticed Petra's raised eyebrows. “What?”

“Nothing.” Petra coughed lightly. Jane saw her look at her fingers for a second.

“Hm. Anyway, I'm really glad we did this.”

“Me, too. You haven't driven me completely crazy yet,” Petra said, smiling as she took a sip of wine.

“Same.”

“Just getting out of Miami, being in a different environment, seeing different things. Too many reminders,” Petra started to trail off, her head turning more and more as she spoke, until she wasn't looking at Jane anymore.

“Petra?”

“I'm okay,” Petra cleared her throat. “Um, do you want dessert?”

“Don't do that. You know I'm going to therapy and we're going to talk about this.”

“God, you're annoying,” Petra huffed, but Jane could see a slight smile. “I keep thinking about the shit I put JR through.”

“Petra, that was over two years ago, you apologized.”

“But the damage was done, we broke up because of that. I ruined the best relationship I have ever had. Probably the best I'll ever have.”

Petra tried to crack open a crab that she had already eaten.

“Petra. Petra, look at me; you know what I've learned from the end of relationships, you learn from them so that when you start a new one, you are a smarter person. You made a mistake, so you learn from that. You'll find someone else.”

Petra just grunted, barely looking at Jane. 

“Look,” Jane said, “I was devastated when I started to see the very real problems my relationship had. We tried to work through them, but it was too far gone. Too much had happened. I know how you feel, Petra, so I'm going to tell myself and tell you that we will get through this.”

“You're so optimistic,” Petra said, her voice tight. “I want to believe you're right, though.”

“I have to pretend I am, otherwise...” Jane took a long sip of wine. “I can't get through it. But at the same time, I have to be honest with myself. It's all very confusing.”

Petra sniffed. “Hell yeah it is.”

Petra calmed down a little bit, but expressed a deep need for the hot-tub at the hotel.

“They're disgusting, but honestly it sounds really good. Want to join me?”

“Sure.”

They changed into bathing suits and luckily no one was in the pool room. Petra dropped her towel and slipped into the tub, a deep sigh emanating from her.

“Oh, shit, that feels good. Are you getting in, or are you just going to stare?”

Jane didn't realize she was staring at Petra. She nodded and slipped in across from Petra. Petra closed her eyes and leaned her head back. Jane figured she didn't want to talk right now, so she did the same and tried to focus on what she wanted to write. During their drive earlier, while Petra was driving, Jane had stared out the window, letting the sights inspire her. She fell asleep instead. By the time she woke up, they were almost in Charleston.

“I can't write,” Jane said.

“Still?”

“Hm-mm. I don't know what's wrong.”

Petra opened her eyes. “Would it be dumb to tell you that you're probably over-thinking again?”

“It would, but you're probably right. But I don't think that's the only thing; there's just something missing. I don't know if romance is my muse, or what. And I hate the idea that I have to be in love to write. I should enjoy my singleness.”

“I think you just need to get used to it. Both of us have always put romance on a pedestal, and while there's nothing wrong with being in love...”

“We need to learn how to be single too.”

Petra nodded. “Great minds, Jane.”

When they started to get pruny they went back to their room. Petra went into the bathroom to shower, to get the chlorine off of her, and Jane sat at the desk to write. Instead of forcing herself, she took a long breath, closed her eyes, and tried to imagine what she was trying to say. It didn't happen right away, but slowly, some words started to come to her and before she could talk herself out of it, she wrote. It wasn't great, but it was something. Write now, edit later, she told herself.

After about twenty mines, she had gotten a couple pages down and that felt like something. She didn't hear the shower anymore and she needed to brush her teeth, so she opened the bathroom door.

“Petra--”

Petra was out of the shower, but she definitely wasn't dressed yet as she stood in front of the mirror. She turned quickly, her eyes going wide as they locked with Jane's.

“Jane, get out!”

“Sorry!” Jane leaned against the door after she closed it, laughing a little bit. Jane had no problem with a naked woman, but for some reason, Petra's always managed to embarrass her. She remembered when she found a naked Petra hiding in the closet, only covered by Mateo's raincoat. Jane could barely look at her, despite not even seeing anything.

Petra emerged a minute later in a robe. She made a point of tying the robe tightly as she eyed Jane.

“I suppose being naked is better than you finding me doing something else,” Petra said. 

“Such as?” Jane asked jokingly, but she knew what Petra was talking about.

Petra shook her head. “Anyway, I know you grew up in a house with one bathroom and two women who don't have a lot of boundaries, but, I like some boundaries.”

“I do too.”

“Hm.” Petra had a lightness in her eyes that told Jane that she wasn't really that upset, but Jane still made a note to not do that again. “You can take a shower, too. I promise I won't walk in on you.”

Petra grabbed at her bag and dug something out of it before sitting on her bed. She uncapped a tube of lotion and rubbed it over her shoulders, then opened her robe a little bit to do her collar. 

“Jane.”

“Huh?”

“Your shower?”

“Oh, right,” Jane said, laughing. Petra furrowed her brows at her, which Jane ignored as she went into the bathroom. 

Jane spent the next fifteen minutes staring at the shower wall, trying to clear her head. But it was just filled with... stuff; Mateo, her book, Rafael, Petra's body. No, wait, why was that there? Petra had a nice body, so of course Jane would be thinking about it. But it was still weird to picture it.

“Stop it,” Jane mumbled to herself.

She managed to push it out of her head, and eventually push everything out of her head, even for just a few minutes. It was nice. When she came back out, Petra was asleep. Jane barely looked at her as she got into her own bed. It didn't take long for her head to fill up with various things, of course right before she fell asleep. She let herself only focus on two things: Mateo and her book. But there was something else, just in the corners of her mind, but she pretended it wasn't there. She basically forgot about it by the next morning, anyway. For at least a little while.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy I wonder what's wrong with Jane

They slowed their course a little bit and hung around the Charleston area. It was so gorgeous and neither of them had been there before. And Jane wanted to soak in some of the more touristy aspects of their trip; something Petra didn't completely understand.

“Why would I want a keychain? I literally only have one key and I don't even use it since my car is remote start.”

“It's just for fun,” Jane said. Jane had picked out one with her name on it. Unsurprisingly there were no 'Petra's.' “You could get a t-shirt.”

The look Jane got from that suggestion made her bite back a laugh. “Nevermind.”

Petra walked away from her for a moment, and came back with a shotglass with 'Charleston' printed on it. “How about this?”

“Perfect.”

“Where are we eating lunch? I don't know if I can handle another greasy diner. My stomach does not like that stuff.”

“I'll look for something,” Jane said. The truth was, she had planned most of their meals already, even the greasy diners. She already had their lunch today planned, but she liked to surprise Petra. And she had more greasy diners in mind for later on.

After they got their souvenirs they went back into town. The place Jane took them to Petra was once again pleasantly surprised.

“I always thought Southern food was a sloppy mess, but this, this is good,” Petra said, pointing at what she ordered. “You're good.”

“It's mostly Google.”

“Don't belittle yourself, Jane. What have I taught you?”

“Take a compliment and don't make excuses.”

Petra nodded and took a bite of her meal. She sighed and Jane watched her. “I need to eat out more; there might be places like this in Miami. The cooks at the hotel are great, but maybe I need to get out more.”

“There are some great places in Miami,” Jane agreed. “There's this one place--”

She was interrupted by the waiter placing two drinks in front of them. “Excuse me, these were sent over by the women over there.”

They both turned and looked over at the women sitting at the bar. They waved and smiled at Jane and Petra, and Jane and Petra picked up their drinks and acknowledged them.

“That was weird, but nice,” Jane said. “I wonder why they did that.”

Petra watched the women for a moment, squinting. “They're a couple.”

“What? How do you know that?”

“I dated a woman, I've gotten better at picking that up. Oh, also-” Petra pointed at them.

Jane turned and caught them locking lips. “Oh.”

Petra laughed. “They must have thought we were a couple.” 

Jane laughed too, strangely high-pitched. “Weird.”

Petra moved past the moment quickly and Jane pretended she wasn't still thinking about it. The two women briefly stopped at their table; Jane and Petra thanked them, the women told them how cute they were, then they left. Jane was trying to not feel weird about it, but it was proving to be very difficult. If it was bothering Petra, she was hiding it well.

After lunch they went for a walk; the weather was so pleasant, Jane just wanted to walk.

“You know, I rarely just walk,” Petra said. “I mean I walk around the hotel all the time, but it's usually to find someone to yell at. But walking for the sake of walking? Absolutely not. Especially outside.”

“I try to do it sometimes,” Jane said. “It really clears my head. Sometimes, I'll even turn off my phone while I do it.”

“Jane Gloriana Villanueva, you are an absolute madwoman,” Petra deadpanned, but her lips curled into a smile. “You know what?”

They stopped walking and Petra pulled her phone out. She held the power button down until it shut off and Petra let out a sharp laugh.

“I literally haven't done that in years.”

“Feel good?”

“I don't know,” Petra admitted. “If I lose my mind, I can blame you.”

“Deal.”

They walked for a while, not saying too much, which was fine. It wasn't an awkward silence, it was a comfortable one, taking in the sights. Jane actually let her mind slow down a little bit, which was strange, but really nice. She didn't know what Petra was thinking about, but when she turned to look at her, Petra's face looked surprisingly relaxed.

As they walked side-by-side, Jane thought of those two women again. They had been holding hands as they left and they looked positively giddy. And they were thrilled to see Jane and Petra, despite the fact they weren't actually a couple. But the women had felt this kinship with Jane and Petra, like they weren't alone. And then Jane wondered if Petra had ever experienced that while she was dating JR. She wanted to ask Petra, but Petra seemed to calm right now that she didn't want to bring up JR.

Jane looked down at Petra's swinging hand, noting how close her own hand was to Petra's. She thought about if Petra was ever scared to hold JR's hand in public. Petra liked to pretend things didn't scare her, but Jane knew more than most that that wasn't true. She had seen Petra be scared, she knew Petra's insecurities, but Petra never really seemed insecure about her sexuality. Once Petra realized she was bisexual, Petra didn't go back and never apologized for it. So Jane couldn't imagine her being scared, nor could she imagine JR being scared. But they must have been sometimes.

She continued to stare at Petra's hand, considering it, but Jane pulled her hand up and scratched at a non-existent itch on her face. They eventually slowed down and stopped for some coffee. Petra was grinning ear to ear at they drank their coffee outside.

Jane didn't turn off her phone, so she took a quick picture while Petra wasn't looking. Rafael would never believe that Petra had this expression on her face. Jane nearly jumped when there was a hand suddenly on her left hand.

“Am I boring you already?” Petra asked jokingly. Two jokes in one day? Maybe Petra had another twin that she had been replaced with again.

“Uh, no,” Jane laughed shakily. Her eyes locked on their hands. “Just making sure there were no Mateo-related texts.”

Jane looked up at Petra for a second, but Petra was looking at their hands. She seemed to linger before she pulled her hand away.

“Let's go out tonight,” Petra said. 

“A lesbian bar?” Jane asked all too quickly.

Petra snorted. “I didn't say that, but if you want to.”

“I mean, I thought that's what you meant,” Jane said, trying to not stumble on her words. Why did she say that. “I know you're bisexual, but I figured you'd have a better chance there and...”

Petra sipped at her coffee. “Better chance at what? Getting laid?”

Heat rose up Jane's neck. “I didn't-”

“Having sex wasn't even on my mind, but,” Petra shrugged. “Seems a little rude to you, though. Unless...?”

Jane didn't like the suggestive tone in Petra's voice and was having trouble meeting Petra's eye.

“I'm joking, Jane, relax. Maybe you've had enough coffee today.”

“Yeah, probably,” Jane said, trying really hard to actually relax. She was feeling really worked up all of the sudden.

“It doesn't have to be a lesbian bar. I mean I can hook up with a guy, too. I'm not saying I want to hook up with anyone,” Petra quickly explained. “But if I wanted to...”

“Right.”

“Meaningless sex does sound kind of nice,” Petra sighed. Her attention started to drift and Jane was regretting even bringing it up. “I've never had meaningless sex with a woman before.”

“It's probably... fun.” Jane winced at herself, especially when Petra stared at her. “What I mean is...”

“Let's keep walking,” Petra interrupted. Jane quickly agreed. She wouldn't meet Petra's eye, but she knew the blonde was looking at her. Why was she being so awkward?

“I think the twins might skip a grade,” Petra said after a few minutes of silent walking. 

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. They seem really bored in first grade.”

“They've always been very smart. They've been reading since they were, like, four?”

“Three.”

That was a debate she and Jane had had, whether what the twins were doing then was “reading.” But Jane had long since stopped arguing about that, because it didn't matter. “I think you should look into it.”

“I think I might. Also, Jane, I don't think I've ever said this but, I'm proud of Mateo.”

They stopped walking. “Pardon?”

“Him dealing with his dyslexia, him being the top of his class in reading now. I know I don't say that stuff about Mateo enough, but I am proud of him.”

It was true, they had always sort of distanced themselves from the others kids, because neither of them liked their children being parented. It was a source of contention for so long, but they were slowly letting themselves be actual coparents. And Jane was finding it hard to speak at Petra's words.

“Thank you.”

“You're a great mom, Jane.”

Jane swallowed, pushing back tears. “You are too, Petra.”

“Don't you dare cry.” Petra put her hand on Jane's shoulder. “But seriously, I'm sorry if I ever belittled your parenting. I just... never thought I would be a decent parent, especially after the shitty parenting I had.”

Jane put her hand on the hand on her shoulder. “You're more than a decent parent.”

Petra lifted her head high and grinned. “I know. See? That's how you take a compliment.”

“Noted.”

Jane subconsciously ran her thumb over the top of Petra's hand and Petra definitely noticed that because Jane saw Petra's eyebrow bounce for a second. Jane quickly withdrew her hand and stiffly put it at her side. Petra kept walking and Jane silently swore at herself before following Petra.

They went back to their hotel to decompress before their night out. Petra said she just wanted to go to a “regular” bar, which Jane was fine with.

“I'm going to take a nap,” Petra told Jane as she laid down on top of the covers.

“Okay,” Jane said in a quiet voice. She got onto her own bed.

Petra had her back turned to Jane and Jane wondered if she had done something wrong. Was it the thumb thing? Because before that, everything was fine. And it's not like Jane had never shown Petra casual affection before; in fact, it was Jane's whole thing. Was there something on Jane's face that Petra had interrupted it another way? Had Jane given Petra the wrong idea? There was nothing behind that thumb-stroke, it was just something Jane did. Jane couldn't think of another reason why Petra would suddenly shut down, though.

Jane drifted off while she was thinking about this. It was the kind of sleep where she didn't even know she was asleep until she was gently nudged awake by Petra.

“Jane, do you still want to go out?” Petra said in a soft voice.

Jane yawned and rubbed at her eyes. She nodded. “Yeah.”

Petra took her hand away the moment Jane opened her eyes. “Then get ready.” Petra seemed like she was in slightly better mood but she was still acting weird.

“Petra--”

“You should wear that cute yellow dress,” Petra said. 

“I look like a canary,” Jane started to say, but she got a sharp look from Petra. “Sorry. I mean-- Yes, that is a cute dress and I will wear it.”

Petra finally smiled again and Jane relaxed a little bit. “Come on, we'll have fun.”

The club they decided on wasn't far away, in walking distance. But as they walked in, Jane was hit with the thought that she and Petra might be the only parents in the whole place; not based on the idea that mothers can't go out, but more the fact that the clientele all looked too young. Petra was only a couple years away from being forty and Jane could see her feel self-conscious.

“Come on,” Jane grabbed Petra's hand and led her to the bar. “You're not allowed to be self-conscious.”

“I'm not.”

Jane knew she was lying, but she ignored it and ordered their drinks. Then some more about ten minutes later. Petra was starting to relax and before long they were out on the floor. By then the place had really filled up and it was starting to get hard to breathe. Jane was sweating and was vaguely aware of Petra next to her, dancing. Then she wasn't next to Jane and Jane couldn't find her. It's okay, Jane told herself, Petra didn't have to be right there. They didn't have to be together the whole time.

Jane went into the bathroom to try to cool off. She stared at herself in the mirror. She was only thirty-two, but she looked about ten years older. She was starting to get creases between her eyebrows, and around her mouth. She never wanted to be the kind of person that worried about getting older, but she was feeling hyper-aware right now. Plus, the lighting in the bathroom was awful.

She went back out, and finally caught sight of Petra, who was dancing up against a very attractive woman. She was even taller than Petra and seemed very into Petra. Jane's stomach turned, for whatever reason.

The woman's hands were all over Petra's hips, then her waist. Her lips were very close to Petra's ear. Jane partly felt like she should protect Petra, because if that were a man, Jane probably would step in, or at least check in on Petra. Why would it be different for a woman? Well, as a woman herself, she did trust women a little bit more. Still.

“Hey, who's this?” Jane practically had to scream.

“Oh, Jane, this is-” Petra pointed at the woman.

“Jan.”

The irony was not lost on Jane, but Petra didn't seem to notice, so she didn't comment. “Hi, Jan, I'm Jane.”

Jan, however, found it funny and laughed. “That sounds like Jan.”

“It does.”

“Are you her girlfriend? I'm sorry, I didn't know.”

“No, no, no, no, I'm not her girlfriend,” Jane quickly explained, waving her hands around. “You can dance with her.”

Petra opened her mouth and looked like she wanted to say something, but Jane jumped over her. “Not that she would need my permission to dance with another person if we were together. I'm not insecure.”

Jane laughed to show she was joking. Petra smiled weirdly, but Jan seemed unbothered and she gave Jane a genuine smile.

“You're adorable,” Jan said, giving Jane a gentle shove.

“Um, anyway, I'm going to get back to the hotel.”

“Jane--”

“No, it's fine. I'm tired and we have an early morning tomorrow.”

Before Petra could protest, Jane turned and left. She was so glad to get out of that club and get fresh air. She felt bad about leaving Petra, but she would have felt worse if she had been some sort of block for Petra. If Petra wanted to have sex, that was her business. Even if Jane felt a little weird about it.

Jane went back, got changed, and got onto the bed to write. She got maybe three sentences out before her brain locked up and she stared at her computer screen. She flexed her fingers, as if she could physically force the words out. Why was she so tense? Wasn't this trip supposed to help her relax? It felt like it was doing the opposite.

She finally put her computer away and turned the tv on. Maybe HGTV could help her relax. After an episode of some flipping show, Jane felt better but she still felt unsettled. 

Petra's words from last week rang in Jane's head, about how to relax, and while the idea sounded appealing, Jane couldn't help but think about how many people have done that in this particular bed. It was a nice hotel, but, still. Jane didn't feel right doing that. Plus, she didn't know when Petra would be back.

She fell asleep in the middle of an episode of Property Brothers. When she woke up some time later, the covers had been pulled over her and the tv was turned off. She looked over and saw Petra asleep in her own bed. Jane smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they will communicate at some point, I promise, because I hate lack of communication. They just have to figure some things out first.

A few days had gone by and nothing of note happened. Jane didn't bring up Petra's night out and Petra didn't either. It was none of Jane's business what Petra had been doing, and if Petra didn't mention it she must not want to talk about it.

They had made it up to Washington DC and spent a few days there. When Jane asked if Petra wanted to drive past the White House, she said, “I'd rather shit a brick.” Jane agreed. They took in other sights. Jane bought them matching hats, which Petra shockingly put on.

“This trip is about doing silly touristy shit, so,” Petra adjusted the bill of the hat and tipped it at Jane.

Jane smiled broadly. Petra looked adorable with the hat on, especially since it did not go well with her outfit. They walked the length of the pool, then stopped to just take in the view, reflect. They didn't say anything for awhile.

“I hate to say this,” Jane said cautiously, “but for the past couple of years, I've been wondering why people choose to come here.”

“Well, living in the Czech Republic, I was always told it was the land of opportunity. In some ways, I guess it is.”

Jane had a comment on her tongue, and she debated voicing it. She looked at Petra out of the corner of her eye. She turned her head when she saw Petra looking at her.

“I know, I had some privilege coming here.”

“I'm not saying that you didn't have hardships--”

Petra shook her head. “Don't. I'm not denying that I had problems, but because of the way I look, there's things I didn't experience. Years ago, I probably would have yelled at you for implying that I didn't have problems because I was White. Please don't coddle me, Jane. You know I don't like that. If I seem like I'm being ignorant, please tell me.”

“Okay. Well, I wonder if my grandmother would have come here if she knew the racism she would face. I know she had little options and I have no idea what her life in Venezuela was like. But the stuff she had to face, and some of the things I had to deal with, makes me wonder.”

Petra hummed thoughtfully. She had no answers, Jane didn't expect her to, and Jane was just voicing her thoughts. And apparently Jane had a lot of thoughts, because they starting tumbling out, her voice becoming more high-pitched as she spoke.

“And things have gotten worse. It was always bad, but people are getting more bold. I'm lucky to not see too much of it in Miami, but what about less open-minded places? And what about your relationships, Petra? What about--” Jane was falling over an edge and she didn't know where that was coming from. She stopped and took in a sudden gasp. Her chest hurt.

“Jane,” Petra looked completely shocked as she grabbed Jane by the shoulders. “Relax.”

Petra rubbed Jane's upper-arms until Jane started breathing normally. Jane sniffed loudly. She still had a lump in her throat, but Petra's wide-eyed gaze made her feel a little bit better.

“I'm okay. And you're okay, right? Whatever shit we go through, whether it's because of race, or gender, or sexuality, we got this, right? Jane?”

Jane nodded and Petra gently wiped a tear from Jane's cheek. Her emotions have been at the surface for a while and this tender gesture was almost too much for her. She was glad Petra had gotten used to her emotions, because the old Petra probably would have left Jane in DC.

“Let's go get something to eat,” Petra suggested in an uncharacteristically soft tone. Her eyes were equally tender. She held her hand out to Jane and flexed her fingers. Jane took it, tightly, then gently. She looked at their hands for a couple seconds as they walked, but soon lifted up her head, smiling. Jane looked up at Petra and saw the tiniest little smile on her face. Jane's heart felt warm. And her hand felt sweaty.

When they left Washington the next day, they drove about four hours before they realized they were completely lost. They were in the middle of Virginia somewhere and they weren't getting any cellphone reception. Petra continued to stare at her phone, though, as if she could will reception from her intense gaze.

“Petra, I think we should just stop somewhere, ask for directions.”

Petra tightly clutched the phone in her hands and sighed. “I don't like not having reception, especially around here. It makes me nervous.”

“We'll be okay.”

“Hm, next we'll get murdered. Don't you listen to true crime podcasts?”

“I used to, before they started to make me really paranoid,” Jane said pointedly. 

She ignored Petra's huffing, and pulled up to an old motel. It wasn't dilapidated, just clearly very old. As they pulled up, Petra mumbled, “oh, we're definitely getting murdered.” They went into the small lobby which consisted of a vending machine, an ice machine, a coffee maker, and a rack of brochures which looked like they hadn't been updated in twenty years. An old woman almost fell off of her stool as she smiled at them.

“Hello, there,” she said in a gentle Southern accent. “Here to check in?”

“Actually,” Jane said, “we need directions.”

The woman's face fell a little bit. “Okay, where to?”

“We're trying to find 95,” Jane said.

The woman made a little face, which didn't make Jane feel good. “Oh, honey, you're goin' the opposite direction. You're almost to West Virginia.”

Petra swore, and Jane apologized. “Hm, well, are close to anything?”

“Not really.”

Jane turned to Petra. “Well?”

“Well, I think we should turn around and go East. How'd we go the wrong direction?”

“Don't look at me like that. It's very confusing around DC.”

“I don't want to stay here,” Petra whispered. “That woman seems nice, but there's probably not even somewhere to eat.”

Jane felt bad for the woman at the desk, though; she clearly rarely had guests. “But, Petra...” She gave Petra a look that she hoped looked absolutely pitiful and Petra's hard expression quickly melted away and her body just slumped.

“Fine,” she turned and gave the woman a fake smile. “We'd like a room, please.”

The woman was happy, which made Jane happy. For a brief moment; until they saw the room. It wasn't dirty, by any means, but it was so small; they should have seen that coming after seeing the lobby. Like the brochures, the tv hadn't been updated since Y2K, the bathroom was so close to the bed that one could basically step from the bed, directly into the bathroom. And the bed. It was somehow in-between the size of a twin and a full bed. Which clearly meant they'd be sharing the bed. Jane looked at Petra, gauging her reaction. She looked mildly annoyed, but Jane didn't know if it was the bed situation or the situation in general.

“Maybe we should go out and get something...” Jane started to say, until a boom of thunder hit and a moment later, a downpour started. “Or, not.”

“Great.” Petra flopped onto the bed.

“Hey,” Jane said, “no being grumpy, okay? It's not so bad. This is part of the roadtrip experience; getting stuck in a creepy hotel in the middle of nowhere.”

“Is it? I was hoping it'd be easy.”

“That wouldn't be any fun.”

Petra didn't seem convinced, so Jane held up her finger. “I'll be right back.”

She left the room, bought an armful of bags of chips and candy bars from the vending machine, then dumped them all onto the bed. Petra stared down at them, then gave Jane an incredulous look.

“This is what we're having for dinner?”

“Yup.”

“We're too old to eat this crap.”

Jane waved Petra off and dug into a bag of Doritos. She hadn't eaten these in years and there was like a switch in her brain that went off as she bit into the salty, cheesy chips. She pushed a bag of Funyuns towards Petra. Petra opened the bag and held a Funyun up to her mouth like she knew she was about to poisoned and had accepted her fate. She bit into it, chewed it thoughtfully, and looked mildly surprised.

“Well?”

“It's... not bad. I know this'll give me a stomachache, but I don't care.”

“There ya go!” Jane said, swatting at Petra's knee.

They ate various things while they watched from local channel on the tv, bags and wrappers strewn about. Somehow Jane's head wound up resting on Petra's stomach, her legs hanging over the edge of the bed. Jane was sort of dozing, and she was only half-aware of the sensation of fingers combing through her hair. She sighed. Then her eyes snapped open and she arched her neck to look over at Petra. Petra had her eyes closed and Jane couldn't tell if she was asleep.

“Petra?”

“Hm?”

Jane didn't say anything, but Petra did notice what she had been doing because she quickly withdrew her hand. Jane didn't move from her spot, though. She stayed right there, feeling the rise and fall of Petra's stomach. She didn't want to move.

“I think I'm going to get those sandwiches out of the cooler. I need some protein,” Petra said, her voice low.

“Oh, okay.” Jane sat up so Petra could get up. Petra's pace was quick as she went outside. As soon as Petra left, Jane lied down and put her arm over her eyes. Something was going on with her, and she had a feeling what it was, but she didn't want to admit it. Because once she acknowledged it, she probably would have to address it. And she really didn't want to because it just made things more complicated, and she seemed to be doomed in overly complicated relationships. Love triangles, husbands back from the dead, surprise artificial insemination.

Not that she has feelings for Petra. That'd be stupid. She's Jane's sister, according to Jane. Calling Petra her sister seemed like the best way to describe her relationship with Petra because their relationship was so much more complicated than being just friends. It's just, Jane didn't have a comparison; her toddler sister barely felt like a sister since she barely saw the little girl. Lina was probably more like a sister. Petra was... something. Co-parent. Co-baby mama. But more than that.

Petra knew Jane more than most, excluding her mother and grandmother. And Jane knew Petra probably more than anyone. Jane understood Petra on a level that indescribable, and they knew that. Jane could get Petra to open up simply by saying her name. She saw Petra with her walls down when the two women hated each other, she saw the vulnerable woman underneath, even though the two wouldn't become close until a while later.

But Jane couldn't go there. Despite what she might be feeling, she couldn't go there.

The door opened, and a soaking wet Petra stepped through the door. Jane bit her lip and watched Petra stroll across the room and toss a bagged sandwich at Jane.

“They're really soggy, but I need some meat after this garbage.” Petra pushed her wet hair back. “I'm going to take a quick shower.”

Jane nodded.

After Petra went into the bathroom, the only thought Jane had was: yeah, there was definitely something there. Jane had to ignore it though. She had to.

When Petra came back out, in her pajamas, Jane didn't look at her and was in the middle of eating her disgusting sandwich. Petra bounced onto the bed and picked up her own sandwich. Jane looked up to see the face Petra was making at the sandwich, like the last thing she wanted to do was swallow the sandwich in her mouth. 

“We're finding a nice restaurant tomorrow,” Petra said when she finally got that one bite down.

“Deal.”

Cold air came in through the poorly sealed door and a chill went up Jane's spine. Petra noticed because she pushed Jane towards the head of the bed and pointed.

“Get under the covers,” Petra instructed. “Last thing we need is you getting sick.”

Jane did as she was told. It actually did feel nice. Then Petra got into the covers next to her, her cold feet brushing up against Jane's legs. Petra nestled in and tucked the blankets around them. Jane didn't move a muscle and kept her arms tightly against her body. They were so close Jane could smell the lotion Petra always put on her neck and shoulders, nor could she help that she was smelling it. She had never in her life felt so awkward around a woman, let alone someone she was so close to like Petra. But as Petra pulled her leg against Jane's leg, Jane couldn't stop thinking about how Petra's leg was against hers. She was so aware of Petra's body that she started to become painfully aware of her own.

She felt a warm breath on her cheek and she turned her head to find Petra staring at her. As soon as Jane looked at Petra, Petra quickly turned her head and cleared her throat. But Jane saw that, and Petra knew she saw it. And now Jane was the one staring at Petra. And Petra knew she was staring; Jane could see Petra's eye sort of shift towards her, but not actually look at Jane.

Neither of them moved for a good two minutes, but it felt so much longer than that. Jane was waiting for Petra to say something, and Petra was obviously doing the same. 

“Petra,” Jane finally said. She saw Petra swallow. Whatever words she wanted to say, they slipped away. “I want to go to New York next.”

Petra turned to Jane, her face blank. “That sounds good.”

Petra bit her bottom lip, stared at nothing in particular for a second, then said, “good night,” before turning off the lights. In a normal situation, Jane would tell Petra to open up, be honest with her, but right now, Jane couldn't even be honest with herself. So she said nothing.

Petra turned to face away from Jane, while Jane stayed in the same position, facing the back of Petra's head. She somehow had a lot to say, but at the same time didn't know how to actually say any of it. So instead, she lied there, staring at Petra's back in the dim light, until she fell into an uneasy sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's everybody doing? This coronavirus really made it difficult to write, despite being at home. My creativity is pretty low right now, but I'm glad I got this out. Hopefully the next chapter won't take too long.
> 
> Anyway, at least they semi-communicated

Awkward small talk was all Jane got from Petra the next morning, and this continued onto the majority of the day. The worst part was Jane just went along with it because she also didn't know what to say to Petra. Jane and Petra had long agreed with one another to actually communicate with each other, because lack of communication was a huge issue with them in the past; normally on Petra's end because she struggled with communicating her feelings. That was in the past and they had gotten a lot better at telling each other when something was bothering them. But right now, that wasn't happening and Jane felt equally weird around Petra.

They were continuing on their trip like last night hadn't happened, even though it was weighing heavily on them. She couldn't stop seeing Petra's face staring at her while they had lay in bed. Petra had given Jane a lot of different looks over the years—Petra was a very expressive person—but she had never looked at Jane like that. And Petra had clearly seen a similar look on Jane's face. Jane could occasionally feel Petra's gaze on her as they drove North, but Petra turned away everytime Jane turned towards her.

Jane wanted to enjoy the scenery around them as they drove through Pennsylvania, but her attention was elsewhere. And it was actually upsetting her and she wanted to say something to Petra but she didn't know what she wanted to say. So they continued on in semi-silence. Once in a while, one of them would casually point something out that they saw, but it wasn't real conversation. 

“Jane, slow down,” Petra said some time later.

Jane wasn't normally a fast driver, but she was definitely over the speed limit now. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles had turned white.

“Sorry,” she said as she decelerated. She looked at Petra for a second; Petra's jaw was clenched, her lips were pursed. She had something to say and Jane wished she would say it, whatever it was. But that tense expression fell away and Petra looked away from Jane.

They made it to New Jersey, somewhere near Princeton. The area looked nothing like Miami; large Colonial homes, surrounded by rolling hills, tall, old trees everywhere. It was nice, but Jane wasn't sure if she liked it. Or maybe she was in a bad mood. After they got settled in their hotel room, they went for a walk around Princeton. What Jane did like was the simplicity of the town, despite being the college town of a prestigious (if not privileged) university. Walking around the campus, seeing the old buildings, Jane understood the appeal. When she was younger she dreamed of that part of college life; sitting outside, taking in the intellectual environment as she wrote. That didn't happen, though, and Jane wasn't too disappointed; it wasn't practical at the time.

Still, she felt some envy as she looked at the students. Petra was watching them too, but she looked more annoyed.

“These kids don't know how lucky they are,” Petra said. “Being able to afford a university like this.”

“Well, some of them might have financial aid,” Jane pointed out.

“And most of them probably have connections.”

Jane didn't know the statistics of that, but it sounded right. “Did you want to go to college?”

“I did. But my mother told me that a college degree is worthless, that being too smart won't get me a husband. She wanted me to be street-smart, not book-smart.”

“Why not both?”

“I'm not that book-smart. I know enough.”

“Well, that's something a lot of these kids won't have. They might be book-smart, but I doubt they're street-smart. They definitely don't have the experiences you have.”

Petra eyed a couple students; Jane could see a faint smile. 

“I do wish I read more,” Petra said. “But I find reading books so boring. Except your books, Jane,” Petra quickly added.

“You just have to find the right authors. I'll give you some recommendations.”

They actually did find a bookstore on the main street, a rather nice bookstore. Jane looked around and found a number of books she had read and that she thought Petra would enjoy. Somehow, Jane found her way to the LGBTQ section and stared at the books. Everytime someone walked past, Jane pretended she was looking for something else. She almost picked up a book that sounded interesting, but then Petra's voice called out to her and Jane met her in another aisle.

“Here,” Jane said, showing Petra the books. “I think you'll like these.”

When Petra reached to take them, Jane shook her head. “My treat. I am rich now, remember.”

They had a late lunch/early dinner at a nice little restaurant, walked around some more, before going back to the hotel. Jane felt a little bit less tense, especially since she and Petra were talking again. But when they got back to the hotel, the tension started building again. There were two beds, but they seemed close.

“I'm going to read one of these books,” Petra announced after they stood in the doorway for much longer than they needed to.

Petra sat on her bed and read, while Jane sat on her own bed, point earbuds in, and started to write. She didn't know if what she was writing made sense, but at least she was writing something. It was another romance novel, but she made a conscious decision to not make the main character too much like her. I mean, the protagonist was a little bit like her, but the storyline wasn't anything like Jane's own life.

That was until she accidentally started to write “Pet” when referring to the love interest and Jane decided to stop writing for a little bit. She looked over at Petra, who was staring intently at her book. Petra was very expressive when she wasn't trying and Jane could see a number of expressions fall over Petra's face. Jane was mesmerized by watching Petra; for one thing, happy that Petra was enjoying the book, but just overall enjoying Petra's expressions.

It was happening again and Jane put a stop to it by announcing she was going to the bathroom. She spent nearly twenty minutes in the bathroom, staring at the mirror and rearranging the complimentary toiletries, and earned a concerned question from Petra when she emerged. 

“Just a little constipated,” Jane answered, immediately regretting saying that.

Petra made a slight face before saying, “oh, well, I hope you feel better.”

“Thanks.” Jane didn't look at Petra as she sat on the bed. “Must be all the traveling.”

Petra was clearly trying to not act grossed out and Jane didn't blame her because Jane wished she had said something else. It was all because she couldn't admit she was feeling things. She would rather talk about her bathroom habits (even made up ones) to avoid addressing that other thing.

“Eat prunes,” Petra said, now staring at her book.

“Okay. How's your book?”

Petra looked up again and smiled, genuinely. “I really like it, Jane. It's really well written and I really feel for the main character.”

“That's the sign of a good book; you feel like you're going on this journey with the protagonist. That's what I always strive to do when I write.”

“I think you've done pretty well with that,” Petra said.

Jane grinned until Petra's face turned red. Jane loved getting compliments from Petra because she only complimented people when she really meant it. Even a simple thing that Petra just said meant a lot to Jane.

“Um, anyway, I really like the book,” Petra stuttered. The blush on her face was obvious and Jane had to force herself away from staring at Petra, again.

“The others are good too,” Jane said. “When you get to them. Don't rush through that one.”

Petra continued reading, but would occasionally stop to point something out to Jane; some things that Jane had thought of, others she hadn't. And Jane sat and watched Petra, waiting for Petra to bring up something else as she read along. She loved getting to experience Petra's emotions as Petra felt them, as Petra experienced what the protagonist was feeling. Petra got more and more worked up as she read, to the point of actually reading the book aloud. Jane had read this particular book twice and knew it very well, but she loved listened to Petra's slightly annoyed voice read the words. 

Petra stopped reading to say, “She should just say something.”

“She doesn't know how to say it.”

“She's clearly feeling something and she knows it and that guy is right there and he must know that and...” Petra grunted.

“It isn't always easy, Petra. You know that. You've been in situations where you're feeling something for someone and you don't know how to communicate it.”

“Yes, I suppose so.”

“So, don't get mad at this character for doing something very relatable. I know it's frustrating, that's the point; it's a very human reaction to deny feelings. Plus, from a writing standpoint it's to build up tension.”

“I don't like it,” Petra said in a very quiet voice.

“In writing or in real life?”

Petra didn't answer. Instead, her eyes flickered to Jane for a second before she went back to reading, silently. Jane kept her eyes on Petra for a few minutes, hoping Petra would say more, but when it was clear she wasn't going to get anymore, Jane turned the TV on. The Food Network droned on in the background as Jane blankly stared at the screen.

What was Petra trying to say? It sounded like she was annoyed that Jane wasn't communicating with her, when it was a two-way street. Petra could say something if she wanted to, even if it was, “Jane, I'm sorry about what happened the other night; it wasn't a reflection of my feelings towards you.” Even if Jane would be disappointed, Jane would prefer that to their lack of communication. Then again, Jane knew how much it was weighing on her, Jane, so why not just say something. Maybe it would be awkward, but at least it was out there, the truth, which was that Jane was having feelings for Petra. She couldn't deny that anymore. She'd be an idiot to pretend otherwise. She could admit that to herself, but she wasn't sure if she wanted to admit that to Petra. What was worse: the awkwardness of pretending that they didn't almost kiss last night, or the awkwardness of Jane saying she was feeling something for Petra, when Petra possibly didn't feel the same.

After pushing the remote battery cover up and down for a number of minutes, Jane turned the TV off, and just sat there. Petra was still staring at her book, but was doing a poor job of pretending to read.

“You know, Petra, when I first started writing it was sort of escapism, wishing for a life I didn't have. I've been a romantic person since I was ten, and while how I viewed romance changed over the years, I never lost that romanticized view of, well, romance.”

Jane didn't know where she was going with this, but she got Petra's attention. Petra wasn't looking at her, but she was looking up.

“Then I actually found that romance, with Adam, then Michael, then Rafael, then Michael again, Adam... Rafael?” Jane laughed, semi-sarcastically, somewhat self-deprecating. “I can barely remember anymore. Anyway, I've had to learn what it means to love someone, and the different ways it presents itself. I'm in my early 30's and I still don't know what I want exactly.”

“I'm almost 40 and I don't either,” Petra said, finally turning her head to Jane. She looked tired.

“One thing I'm pretty sure about is the uncertainty of it all. I don't think it's supposed to be clear-cut, like most things in life.”

Petra smiled a little bit. “You've grown so much since I met you, Jane.”

Petra moved so that she sat on the edge of her bed, her knees almost touching Jane's bed. “I mean that in the nicest way possible. You seemed so innocent when I met you, not necessarily because you were a virgin, but you had this starry-eyed view of the world. But you've managed to mature and keep that view, and I admire that.”

“I don't know if I'm that starry-eyed anymore, though.”

“Because you went through a divorce, Jane, that would make anyone feel down. I've been there. But you're taking it a lot better than I did—a lot better,” Petra punctuated with an eye-roll. “But whatever you're feeling right now, you'll get over it.”

Jane bit her lip. “And what are you feeling right now?”

Jane had moved closer to Petra while Petra had been talking, to the point where she was also sitting on the edge of the bed and her knees were nearly touching Petra's.

Petra licked her lips and wouldn't meet Jane's eye anymore. “You're talking about last night, right?”

Jane tried to not look too eager that Petra did notice that, so she just nodded.

“Honestly, I don't know what that was. But,” Petra quickly continued when Jane was starting to look too disappointed, “that doesn't mean it didn't mean something.” Petra hesitantly took Jane's hands. “I care about you, Jane, and you've been there for me even when I was awful to you. You showed me what unconditional was and I don't take that for granted at all. You being there, and both of us going through something together, and how lonely we are... I think,” Petra closed her eyes, “I think I was starting to feel something for you.”

Jane squeezed Petra's hands. “I was too.” What Jane meant to say was, “I am too,” but she said it the same way Petra had.

“But,” and that made Jane's heart drop, “I don't think anything should come out of that. Right?”

Jane swallowed. Her cheeks hurt. “Yeah, sure.”

Petra looked at Jane, trying to study her expression, but Jane did her best to conceal her feelings. “I just think... we're dealing with too much right now, and we're sisters.”

Jane had no idea what her face looked like; it felt like smiling (that's what she meant to do) but Petra made a slight face at whatever Jane was doing. “Right, sisters,” Jane said.

“Anything more that what we have right now would be a bad idea, I think,” Petra said. “Jumping into things was always my problem, and I want to be more like you, Jane.”

Jane squeezed Petra's hand, maybe too hard. She wasn't mad at Petra, at all, because Petra was completely right and Jane understood that, so why did she feel even worse than before? 

“Do you agree with me?” Petra asked.

Jane should have been honest, she should have said something, but Petra made so much sense that she just nodded over and over, humming in agreement. Petra was staring at her.

“I agree with you, Petra.” It wasn't a complete lie, because she did agree but she didn't want to. She wanted things to be more simple for once, she wanted things to be less confusing. It was far from the most complicated thing that she had gone through, but that didn't make it less frustrating.

“I agree with you,” she repeated, making sure Petra got that.

“Okay.” Petra squeezed Jane's hand one last time before letting go. “New York tomorrow?”

Jane smiled. “New York tomorrow.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for ending the chapter like that but sometimes you gotta
> 
> Again, I hope everyone is staying safe!

Jane was okay with moving on because the last thing she wanted to do was make this trip weird. She was enjoying her time with Petra and Petra seemed genuinely happy for once. So, she had a little crush on Petra, so what? She's had crushes on people that she got over before. She supposed the good thing was that she was apparently completely over her divorce with Rafael because she had barely thought about Rafael, other than when she spoke to him on the phone earlier that day.

Petra's good mood quickly disappeared when they got stuck in traffic on their way to New York. A number of swears passed Petra's lips—both English and Czech. Jane was more amused than anything.

“I don't think calling them that will make the traffic go faster,” Jane pointed out and got a sharp look. “Just take a breath, Petra. Remember, we aren't in a hurry.”

“I know, but I don't like people driving like,” Petra yelled 'fucking assholes' out the window and sat back when the traffic came to a standstill. “Anyway, um, what do you want to do in New York?”

“I'd like to say I don't want to do super touristy stuff, but I wouldn't mind seeing Rockefeller Center and walk around Central Park. No Times Square.”

“I agree with that.”

Jane pulled out a travel book and thumbed through it. “We could go to the Metropolitan Art Museum.”

“I'm not a big museum person, but we can if you want.”

“Well, tell me stuff you want to do, too.”

“Whatever you want to do, Jane.”

Jane was a little surprised by that and she showed that on her face. Petra smiled at her and shrugged.

“You've been good about picking stuff to do, Jane. You do your research and despite what I usually say, I do trust your judgment. On most things; I don't trust your judgment for clothes.”

The car inched forward, then stopped again. Jane was touched by what Petra said because like what was said before, when Petra complimented Jane, she really meant it. And even little compliments like that meant a lot to Jane.

“The Staten Island Ferry is free, you can ride that back and forth,” Jane said, clearing her throat.

“Sounds fun. I'll look at your little book and pick some things I would like to do.”

It took a while to get into the city and even longer to drive to their hotel. By the time they got there they were both tired and crabby. Petra flopped face-down on her bed and mumbled into the top blanket.

“I know this blanket is probably covered in all sorts of bodily fluids, but I don't care,” she said. “My back is killing me. I'm getting old.”

“You're not old,” Jane said.

“I am, it's okay,” Petra said, rolling over onto her back. She yawned and stretched her body. “What do you want to do tonight?”

Jane sat on the edge of Petra's bed. “I know we're in New York, we should do something, but honestly, I don't want to do anything.”

Petra grinned. “I am so happy you said that.”

“We're both old,” Jane said.

“You're really not.”

“I'm old at heart.”

A wide grin spread across Petra's face. “You kinda' are. We both are. We're like old ladies in the bodies of semi-young women.”

“I'm perfectly fine with that. I go crazy maybe once every five years and I'm good with that.”

“I don't even think your 'crazy' is that crazy,” Petra said.

“Oh, you didn't see me on my 21st birthday. Remember, that's how I met Michael, when he was a cop. I lost my mind.”

“I can't even picture that.”

“Well, maybe, we can go out somewhere tomorrow night,” Jane said. She wasn't sure why she said that because did she really want Petra to see Crazy Jane?

“I'd be into that.”

“Right, now, though, I'm getting into my pajamas and I'm going to write for a little bit.”

Jane went into the bathroom to change. She was actually feeling better, and was glad to be talking casually to Petra. That was until she came back out and found Petra in the middle of undressing. She had two choices: make a point of not looking at Petra, or not caring if she looked. She almost tripped over her suitcase as she tried to decide. Petra's bare back was to Jane and she half turned when she heard Jane. It wasn't even like Petra was naked: nothing was covering her top, but she also had her arms over her breasts. She pulled a t-shirt over her head, then fully turned to Jane.

“I'm wearing the t-shirt you got me.”

“It looks good on you,” Jane said, now allowing herself to look at Petra, but respectfully. “I don't know how you look good in almost everything you wear.”

Petra hummed and smoothed out the shirt. “I'm not wearing t-shirts in my normal life, though.”

Petra crawled onto her bed, lying on top of the covers. Jane got into her own bed and pulled her laptop onto her legs. The only sounds in the room were the clanking of the air conditioning and Jane's fingers tapping on the keyboard.

“I texted JR,” Petra said after awhile..

Jane stopped writing. “What? Why?”

“I just wanted to see how she was.”

“And?”

Petra rolled over onto her side. “She's still with that woman. Her name is Frances and JR seems to really like her.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

Petra licked her lips and leaned on her elbow. Her eyes were shimmering slightly. “I feel okay.”

Jane closed her laptop and turned onto her side as well. “You sure? Because if you're not, you can talk to me.”

“I know I can, Jane. But I really am feeling okay. Like I've said, I'm sad what happened between us, but it happened and I have to move on. I'm happy if she's happy.”

“And are you happy?”

Petra hesitated ever-so-slightly before nodding very subtly. Her eyes dropped down to the top of the bed, her teeth biting into her lower lip. Her eyes were starting to crinkle and Jane knew she was trying to not cry. Jane knew, then, that she had a choice to make. Ultimately she told herself it wasn't about her and she got up, got onto Petra's bed, and crawled behind Petra, putting her arms around her. Petra tensed for a second before relaxing.

“For the most part, I am happy,” Petra said, letting out a shuddering breath. “It's mixed feelings. I'm upset I made the dumbass choices that led to all of this, but it is what it is.”

“I completely get that,” Jane said into the crook of Petra's neck. “You wish things were different but... you accept the outcome.”

“I like it when you use therapy talk,” Petra said with a chuckle.

“It can be very helpful.”

“I know I can move on, I want to, it'll just take some time.”

Petra sighed deeply. She pulled Jane's hands against her and Jane got a sudden urge to kiss Petra's ear, but she didn't, of course. Instead, she held Petra until Petra's breathing relaxed and Jane was positive she was asleep. She debated moving, but decided there was so reason to, so she stayed there until she too fell asleep.

The next day was spent walking and walking, and more walking. They got an early start so they had a nice breakfast in a cafe, then went to the museum, followed by a walk in the park, then a subway ride down to Lower Manhattan to ride the ferry. Jane could feel herself smiling ear-to-ear most of the day, and Petra was the same way. Honestly, Jane had never seen Petra smile so much. It was a little unsettling.

The weather was nice so the ride on the ferry was very relaxing. They weren't able to get a great spot on the ferry because everyone had the same idea that day, but they could still see things, including the Statue of Liberty. Petra got someone to take their picture and Jane finally saw what her face had looked like all day.

Despite being pretty worn out from a long day, Jane and Petra went out to a club, after eating a light dinner. It wasn't terribly loud—which Jane was happy about because she didn't think she could handle that right now—and was pretty nice inside. And even better, it wasn't very crowded so there was no bumping into people. After they got their drinks, they found a spot in the corner to stand and people watch.

“This is like a dream,” Jane said. “Hanging out in a Manhattan club.”

“It is pretty... cultured of us,” Petra agreed. “Anyway, where are we going next?”

“Are you in such a hurry to leave?”

“Not at all, but you being you, you must have a plan for what's next.”

Jane was even shocked with herself as she realized she didn't have a plan for after this. Petra could see this realization on her face.

“Jane Gloriana Villanueva, what is going on with you? Where's your head?” Petra was teasing, but Jane could only bring herself to chuckle awkwardly. 

“Um, where do you want to go?”

Petra thought about it for a moment. “I mean, New York was kind of it for me, so I'd be okay with heading back home.”

Jane's heart dropped. For some reason that sounded awful to her. “Are-are you sure? Why not continuing North?”

“Jane, we'll wind up in Canada if we keep going that way.”

“That doesn't sound so bad to me,” Jane said, grinning. Petra frowned at her. Jane realized she needed to backtrack a little bit. “Let's just spend a few more days here and decide from there.”

“Well, I don't mind that,” Petra said. “We do need to go back to our children at some point, though.”

“I know, and I miss Mateo. And the twins. But this trip...” The trip had been more eye-opening than Jane could have realized, than Petra knew. This trip had been simultaneously wonderful and heartbreaking and Jane didn't know how to convey that. “This trip has been pretty fun.”

After they finished their drinks, and got more, they moved around the club, got hit on by a couple different men. Petra was a little flattered, but mostly annoyed, while Jane didn't really pay attention to them. 

“I know we're hot, but I'm not interested right now,” Petra said after she managed to get a pair of them to go away.

“Would you rather be with a man or woman?” Jane asked with absolutely no ulterior motive for asking that.

“Hm. I've been with only one woman, but I did find that more enjoyable than the men I've been with. Then again, just about all the men I was with were awful. Rafael was the least awful. The sex was better with JR than any of them.”

“Oh yeah?”

Petra looked at Jane pointedly. “Oh, yeah. It was good,” Petra said with a lot of emphasis on the last word. “Okay, don't tell anyone this but, the first time I had sex with JR... I came in less than a minute. I used to get mad at men for doing that, but being with a woman, I get it.”

Jane's neck was suddenly really warm, but she laughed lightly. “That's pretty amazing.”

“Then, she gave me like three more orgasms after that,” Petra said casually, sipping her drink. “One right after another.”

Jane had been staring at Petra's face the whole time Petra was talking, watching every micro-expression on her face. When Petra looked down at Jane, Jane laughed again, trying to pretend to be amused by Petra's little story, when amused wasn't really the right word. She felt tense and annoyed. She had heard Petra talk about her sex life before, and last time it just turned her on, but now it did more than that. Jane needed some water, and announced this before Petra could say anything more. 

She leaned on the counter while she waited to order the water. She kept picturing what Petra had just told her about, despite her attempts to push it away. As soon as the water was brought to her, she gulped it down, shuddering at the coldness of the icy water. After standing there for a few minutes, she could see a man beside her, hovering, out of the corner of her eye.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asked her.

Jane turned to him. He was pretty attractive, tall, angular face. And he didn't give off a creep vibe, which, at the lowest of standards, was nice in Jane's opinion.

“Sure.”

Jane wasn't sure how it happened. Well, she did because she was the one who pulled the man into the bathroom after they had a drink together, and had chatted, pretty awkwardly. Still, it was a surprise even to her when she found her hands all over the man's back, and her lips on his. She didn't even know his name and for once, she didn't care. She kissed him harder and harder, trying to get rid of the tension in her body, but it wasn't going away. After about five minutes of frustration, Jane broke away from the man, thanked him, and quickly left the bathroom with so much as a glance behind her. She almost left Petra there, but Jane couldn't do that. She found Petra chatting with a woman.

“Jane, are you okay? I saw you go into the bathroom with that guy. So unJane-like,” Petra said, sounding a tiny bit impressed.

“I think I'm going to go. My stomach hurts,” Jane told her, putting her hand on her stomach to emphasize that.

“Did that guy do anything to you? Did he hurt you?” Petra asked, now scanning the room for him. “Because I will kick his ass.”

“No, no, he was fine. I just, I think I'm ready to go.”

“Okay, let's go, then.”

“No, Petra, you should stay.”

Petra shook her head and looped her arm with Jane's. “You are not walking alone.”

They left the club, arms still looped. Jane was still worked up, but also felt comforted by Petra's concern. Petra kicked off her shoes as soon as they got back to the hotel room, then collapsed onto her bed. 

“I'm getting too old for clubs,” Petra said. “I'm so tired.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jane stood in the middle of the room, her body turned away from Petra.

“So, that guy. When I saw you talking with him I was pretty surprised, then when I saw you go into the bathroom with him, I had to make sure that was actually you.”

“Heh,” Jane chuckled half-heartedly. “Must be the energy of the city. We just kissed, though.”

“Still. You've changed, Jane Villanueva.”

Jane sat on her bed, her back to Petra as she took her shoes off. She didn't like thinking about it, because while the guy wasn't a bad kisser, none of it felt right. She wanted to assume that it as because it was so unlike her to make-out with strangers in club bathrooms, but she knew it was something else.

“I know, pretty crazy,” Jane deadpanned.

Jane just sat there for a while, and Petra didn't say anything. After some time, Jane turned and found that Petra had been quiet because she had fallen asleep, her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Jane stood, took the earrings from Petra's ears, then went into the bathroom. She turned the shower on and ran the water colder than normal. Jane didn't really notice as she stepped inside and closed her eyes. She rubbed her face, removing the makeup, and attempting to remove the sensation of kissing that stranger. She wanted to push all of that from her head, think about nothing until all that remained was that pulsing need. Her hand wandered down her body and settled between her legs. The tension built and built until it broke and she leaned forward against the shower wall, panting. She had a brief moment of peace before it all came back and she silently sobbed against the shower wall.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might edit this later, but I wanted to get this posted. Sorry it took so long!

Jane didn't sleep well that night, and when she did wake up from a restless sleep, she was forced to remember the night before. She couldn't believe she made out with a stranger—and possibly considered having sex with him—then had that moment in the shower, all because of Petra. She wished she was the kind of person who could make out with strangers in a bar bathroom and move on from that, she wished she could move on from this thing with Petra; but that wasn't her. When Jane fell for someone, she fell hard. And it felt like she had learned nothing from her experience with Michael and Rafael. Or Adam. She let other people just tear her apart, even if they didn't mean to. Petra didn't even know this was going on—she assumed.

She sat up in bed for a little bit, looking over at Petra in the other bed. She didn't want to feel this way, she didn't want to ruin this with Petra. She wanted a semi-normal relationship with this woman. And she thought she could do this with Petra, because Jane wasn't really aware of her attraction to women, so she thought she was safe. But looking back, Jane wondered if her relationship with some women was more than she realized. Even Lina, whom Jane didn't considered herself attracted to—at least in a romantic way—caught Jane's eye at least once. Jane did try to kiss her once, after all; but Jane had told herself it was because of Adam's admission that he was bisexual. Looking back, that didn't make much sense.

If there was one thing Jane learned from therapy was that she wasn't as in-tune with her feelings as she thought. Meaning, she sometimes let her feelings overtake her common sense. She always thought she was a rational person—and she was—but she was realizing more and more that when it came to romantic and sexual emotions, she was a little bit stupid. And this realization made Jane more sympathetic towards Petra, who was an expert on doing stupid things because of love. Not so much anymore, since Petra had grown so much in the last few years. Somehow, Jane was turning into Petra—or she was starting to. The old Petra. But Jane was a little bit more self-aware than Petra was at this age, which was around the age when Jane met Petra. At least she'd like to think so. She certainly wasn't going to impregnate herself with a turkey baster to trap a man. No offense, Petra. Jane sighed as she thought about this, still staring at Petra. The other woman had her arm tucked under her head, and Jane got the rare sight of Petra with messy hair. Though, throughout this trip, Petra had relaxed a little bit and wasn't doing her hair as much. She still looked great, of course.

Jane got a sudden urge to call Mateo, but it was still early. Instead she looked at a picture that Rafael had sent her of Mateo at a park with the twins. The twins looked like mini Petra's as they were clearly telling Mateo how to do something, and Rafael had pointed out in the text that Mateo's expression looked so much like Jane. Jane didn't see it, but she took Rafael's word. Either way, Mateo was looking so grownup these days. She was glad she did this trip, but she missed her family. This roadtrip would have to end soon and as Jane came to this realization, she felt a pang in her chest. It felt like there was more to do, but she didn't know what that was. And she didn't feel right that she was dragging this trip on because she wasn't ready to go back to reality. Especially if Petra was ready to go back to see her own children.

Jane hopped into the shower before Petra woke up, and found Petra sitting up in her bed when she came back out.

“Good morning,” Jane said, only glancing at Petra as she crossed the room.

“Sleep well?” Petra's voice was weird, causing Jane to look up at her. She was staring at Jane, which she found Petra to be doing a lot on this trip.

“Pretty well.”

“You had quite the night.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I needed to get it out of my system,” Jane said as she haphazardly packed her suitcase.

“He wasn't even that good-looking, Jane,” Petra said, in a lighter tone.

“Wasn't that good of a kisser either,” Jane snorted. She looked at Petra, who was smirking. “Maybe I should've kissed a woman.” Jane immediately regretted saying that, and wasn't sure why she followed that comment up with the most awkward laugh she had ever heard. 

“Yes,” was Petra's response. Jane couldn't help but notice that Petra's face appeared to be slowly turning pink. She knew she shouldn't read into it, but she also knew she was going to anyway.

“Now is the time, I guess,” Jane said.

“Don't do it because you feel you need to,” Petra said. “Sexuality can be fluid, so they say, but some people are just straight.”

“Did you ever think you were straight?” Jane cringed after she asked that.

Petra's lips curled into a smile. “I never thought too hard about it. I suppose as a default I thought I was, but the moment I knew I was attracted to JR, I thought, 'oh, I guess I'm not straight.'”

“So it was that obvious?”

“In my experience, yes. That's not the case for everyone. JR said it was a slow realization for her. Luisa said she knew very early on. And I am attracted to men, unfortunately, so it didn't seem obvious that I was attracted to women, until it was obvious. Does that make sense?”

It did and it didn't. “I guess so.”

“Was there a particular reason you asked that, Jane?” The implication in Petra's voice was pretty apparent.

There was, but one admission was likely going to lead into another. If she told Petra about her questioning of her sexuality, she would have to say why she was questioning. Or maybe she didn't, maybe Petra would accept just one part of that. Maybe she wouldn't have to tell Petra everything.

Jane had turned away from Petra, now facing the mirror over the dresser. She heard the bed creek, followed the soft padding of feet on the carpet. The room wasn't large so Petra was already right beside Jane.

“Jane, you know I'm not good at expressing emotions, but you always are, so, what's going on?”

Jane shuffled the hotel information booklets back and back. She could feel Petra's breath against her ear. She felt overloaded with all of the things she wanted to say, so much so that it felt like anything she said wouldn't make sense. She wished Petra would say something instead.

A soft hand was on her upper arm, slowly tightening around it. Just as Jane was starting to turn she saw Petra's blonde hair catch the light streaming in through the hotel window. In the split second she saw Petra start to open her mouth to say something, Jane turned fully towards Petra, took her face between her hands, and kissed her. Petra froze, didn't even move her lips, and Jane immediately backed off.

“Petra, I'm so sorry, I--” Jane's face was red hot and her heart was pounding. She took a couple steps away from Petra, who was staring at her with wide eyes. “I'm just so confused right now.”

Every instinct in Jane's body was just telling her to run out of the room, because she couldn't even look at Petra right now. She couldn't believe she did that. She had just kissed Petra. It was something she had thought about for a couple weeks—how long had they been on this trip? She had been hoping that if she had ever acted on these feelings that she had at least waited until they got home, instead they had a couple days of driving to get through.

“I shouldn't have done that,” Jane mumbled, staring at her feet.

“Jane.” Petra's voice was so soft that it almost didn't sound like it came from Petra. “Jane. Look at me.”

Jane half-looked up at Petra, her eyes just barely making contact with Petra's. She kept trying to replay what just happened, but it had happened so fast that she could barely process it.

“Jane,” Petra repeated, sounding more and more on edge. “Please.”

The tone in Petra's voice broke her and Jane had to look up. “Petra, I'm sorry, there's just been a lot on my mind lately.”

“So tell me about it,” Petra said like it was so obvious.

Jane tried to force the words out, but nothing came. Despite really having a lot to say, her mind just went blank. She looked over her shoulder, away from Petra. The two of them stood in silence for a minute, before Petra walked over to one of the beds and sat on it. 

“Does the stuff on your mind involve me?”

Jane stayed where she was, her hands on her elbows, but she turned towards Petra. “It didn't at first, but... it does now.”

Petra pressed her lips together and she leaned back. “How long?”

“I can't even remember. I guess halfway through this trip,” Jane said. It felt a little bit good to be talking about this, but she didn't know where this was going, so she still felt apprehensive.

“That moment, when we were lying in bed, and we had that moment...” Jane had tried to forget about that moment, but it was rushing back to her now. The way Petra had looked at her. “You said it meant nothing.”

Jane saw Petra wince, a tiny bit.

“Is that why you felt like you couldn't talk to me?” Petra asked.

Jane finally walked over and sat opposite of Petra. “Honestly, a little bit. But,” Jane added when Petra started to look guilty, “but that's my own thing. After what happened to Michael and Rafael, I was terrified to put myself out there. I blamed myself for Rafael being depressed after Michael came back, because I was honest with him about my feelings for Rafael. That was not something I should have felt guilty about, I see that now.”

Petra was nodding to Jane's words. “Rafael had no right making me feel that way, even if he is depressed. I didn't cause his Depression,” Jane said. She had said these words before, with her therapist a few months ago. The moment she had said that the first time, she almost cried. It was such an eye-opening moment. And it felt good to say it again. “It's ridiculous that I let myself believe that for so long. And now I'm letting it affect how I see relationships. I'm not letting myself be honest, with myself, or, or,” Jane pointed at Petra with her hands. “Or with you, Petra.”

Petra only looked mildly surprised.

“You said you were feeling something for me, Petra. Remember? But you said it was because of what we have gone through together, and because we're 'sisters.' Fuck that.”

Petra blinked rapidly at Jane; Jane saved her 'fucks' for special moments, and right now felt special enough.

“I regret ever saying that. We are close, but we are not sisters. Our relationship is too weird for us to be sisters. I called us sisters because I couldn't think of another word to describe what we are, because I have never had what we have. It's been wonderfully weird since the moment we met, when you hugged me when I was carrying the baby you almost took as your own. Sometimes I hated you, Petra, you drove me crazy.”

“And you drove me crazy,” Petra said, smirking a little.

“But even back then, I felt this connection with you that I couldn't explain, I still can't; I have no idea what that was. But right now,” Jane had leaned closer to Petra as she spoke. Her body was shaking, as the words that she had been keeping to herself for at least a week, spilling out of her. “Right now, I know exactly what this is.”

Petra was the one to lean in this time, her lips capturing Jane's. Petra had moved pretty quickly, but Jane wasn't caught off guard and had taken a deep breath before Petra kissed her. When they broke apart, Petra leaned her forehead against Jane's, then she sat up again.

“Jane, when I said this couldn't go anywhere, I didn't know if you were actually feeling something for me, or you were still processing your divorce. I've done stupid stuff when my heart was broken, and I was worried your emotions were all over the place. I didn't want to fall in...” Petra trailed off. 

“Did you?” Jane knew what Petra was trying to say, and she desperately wanted to hear Petra say it.

“I did. Like you said, I didn't see it or understand it for the longest time, and I'm still trying to understand it. But I think it's pretty obvious that I love you, Jane Villanueva.”

Jane took the back of Petra's head with her hand, pushed her towards Jane, and kissed her. She had thought about this moment for, honestly, who knows how long, and she felt like she couldn't get enough—Petra was a shockingly good kisser. 

Then she quickly separated herself from Petra because she forgot something. “I love you too.”

Petra gave Jane a little peck on the lips, followed by another one on the cheek. Jane was feeling good until she watched Petra's eyes drop. Petra looked a little concerned about something.

“What is it?”

Petra sighed. “I want to be happy about this, but is it the right time? We're both getting over serious relationships, we have kids who are already literally siblings; could they handle it if their moms—who have both dated their father—started to date, then if it didn't work out...”

Jane wanted to tell Petra that it would be fine, that they don't have to worry about that, but she knew that was a huge lie. It was their lot in life for things to be overly complicated. Them being in a relationship was complicated enough, then having it not work out might just put all of them over the edge.

“I know,” Jane said in a heavy breath.

Petra took Jane's hands and squeezed them. Neither of them said anything, the memory of them kissing just moments ago already fading, feeling like it had happened days ago. But before reality came crashing back, Jane felt lighter that she had told Petra how she was feeling. And in that moment, there was one thing she was certain of, was that she would always be honest with Petra.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep forgetting to write this. Whoops lol

Jane was tired. Tired of being unsure, tired of having such a complicated life. Why couldn't her life just be simple for once? Just, be in a relationship without having to second-guess herself. The only time she really had that was with Michael, before she went to the gyno that one day. But then, she wouldn't have her beautiful son, she wouldn't have such a fascinating, complicated life. And she wouldn't have met Petra.

Petra, who was completely right about being careful. And Jane blamed herself for that because—not to give herself so much credit—she was the one who helped Petra be more cautious. And Petra taught Jane to be more assertive. So of course it would make things more complicated; that's just how her life was meant to be.

Things were going to be different, though, because now they had said these things to each other. There was no going back from that. Jane could feel it in the air, even just sitting next to Petra. She knew Petra could feel it too. The question was, where do they go from there? While Jane agreed with Petra, she also sort of wanted to kiss her again. She kept staring at Petra's profile, couldn't take her eyes off of her. She had such a beautiful and fascinating profile.

“Please stop,” Petra said is a hushed voice. “I can feel you looking at me.”

“Sorry,” Jane said, looking away. Then she could feel Petra looking at her, which took everything Jane had to not look back at Petra.

“Do you think there would have ever been a time when this wasn't frustratingly complicated?” Petra asked after a couple minutes.

Jane looked back at Petra, and shook her head. “No.” They both chuckled dryly. “We've always had a stupidly complicated relationship. Ironically, this is the probably the closest we've ever been.”

“Remember when we would fight over Rafael?” Petra laughed. 

“So stupid.”

It felt so long ago, when Jane hated Petra. Well, really, she only hated Petra a couple times. She hated her when she found out Petra was cheating on Rafael, back when Jane was going to give her unborn son to Rafael and Petra, because she wanted to give her baby to a “whole” family. Then there was the time Petra's mother pushed Alba down the stairs, and Petra covered for her. Or when Petra lied about being abused by Rafael—that one was especially hard. Luckily, between those moments, Jane was able to see the vulnerable woman within. It was frustrating, sometimes downright infuriating, but somehow, Petra wormed her way into Jane's heart—even more-so than she realized.

“I don't want to go back to what we used to be like,” Petra said. “Ever.”

“I don't either.”

“That's why I'm worried if we did,” Petra gestured between them, ”this, that we would hate each other again, if something bad happened between us. I hated Rafael for a while, I even sort of hated JR a tiny bit after we broke up. I don't hate either of them anymore, but I never want to feel that way, especially with you.”

Petra's voice picked up the pace the more she spoke and her eyes got wider. Jane grabbed her hands and squeezed them.

“Petra, whatever happens, we won't hate each other. I promise.”

Jane could see Petra's eyes flicker to Jane's lips and she did her best to ignore that. Instead, she went in for a hug. Despite the fact Petra wasn't a great hugger, Jane was a good enough one that it made up for that. Jane could feel Petra sigh against her.

They decided to head out that day and go back south, but they still weren't going to rush. Jane wasn't ready to go back to real-life, but she and Petra did have a nice Facetime session with the kids while they were stuck in bad traffic. It was nice until Rafael came on, squinted at them, and asked if everything was okay. They lied, of course, and while Rafael didn't seem convinced, he let it go. But it made things awkward again.

Once the call ended, they were stuck in silence. Petra was driving and was white-knuckling the steering wheel. After a little while, Jane got Petra to talk by steering the conversation over to the twins; Petra loved talking about the twins as much as Jane did with Mateo. After talking for a decent amount of time, traffic finally broke up and they were making their way on I-95. And silence fell over them again. After trying to force a conversation going again, Jane pretended to take a nap. She had her head turned from Petra, so she stared out the window. Despite them trying to prevent their relationship faltering, she already felt it happening. It felt like there was no right answer. For once, she wanted to have the right answer.

They drove for the majority of the day, stopping a few times, and made it to Virginia. Very few words had been said to each other for a few hours, and between the weight of the tension and the long drive, Jane was exhausted. Neither of them cared that the room was small, with two twin beds pushed so close that they might as well be one slightly larger bed. Petra got undressed in the bathroom, while Jane quickly dressed in the room.

Jane didn't like this feeling, like the trip had never happened, like they hadn't grown closer. Because they definitely did, somehow even more-so than they had been before. But she could feel that quickly slipping away and she couldn't let that happen.

Petra emerged from the bathroom, her eyes on the floor, and rolled onto her bed. Jane sat down on her own bed and stared at Petra. She opened her mouth to say something a couple times, but no words came. Why was this so hard? It shouldn't be. 

“I don't think we would ruin what we had,” Jane finally said. “What we have, I mean.”

Petra rolled over to look at Jane. She didn't say anything, waiting for Jane to say more. Jane couldn't read her.

“Even if something happened between us, aren't we mature enough to deal with that? We've both done it with Rafael, you've done it with JR. I did it with Michael, as bad as that went at first.”

“I don't want to hate you, Jane,” Petra said in a quiet voice. She looked unnaturally small.

“We won't,” Jane said as confidently as she had ever felt. “I love you, Petra.”

Saying those words again made her heart feel so warm that she felt dizzy. She reached out her hand and Petra took it. And kissed it, pressing her lips to each knuckle.

“I love you too, Jane.”

Petra sat up, leaned forward, and pressed a gentle kiss to Jane's forehead, then nose, then lips. It was chaste at first, but gradually deepened until both of them were leaning over the space between the beds. Jane felt like she never wanted to pull apart, her hand now cupping the back of Petra's head, pulling her slightly closer. When they finally did break apart, Petra's hair was sticking out in the back and Jane found it to be the most adorable sight.

“You're so beautiful,” Petra said, staring wide-eyed at Jane, like she was having this realization just now.

“Oh, thank you for noticing,” Jane said jokingly.

“I've always known you were pretty, but I never really...” Petra played with Jane's hand. “I couldn't recognize it. You understand?”

“I think so.”

Petra quickly kissed Jane again, then held Jane's face in her hands, and stared intensely. “I feel so stupid for not seeing it before. Look at you.”

Jane's face became warm, then her whole body felt warm. 

“Do you remember when we first met, Jane?”

“How could I forget? I had just been accidentally, artificially inseminated, with the sperm of a man I met several years before. It was a lot to take in. Then, I met his wife, the woman who would be raising the baby.”

“God...” Petra sighed, letting her hands fall from Jane's face, but left them on Jane's knees. “That feels like a different life.”

“And we hugged. Do you remember that? Strange how for someone who is weird with hugs, you initiated that hug,” Jane said. She still remembered that hug, the way it felt. She never knew why it stuck out in her head, but that was starting to make more sense.

“I wanted to make a good first impression on you. Yes, I was being a little fake, I'll admit.”

“Well, I was accidentally given your husband's sperm. I think I'd be a little upset.”

“I was. I mean, not with you because looking back, that's a really weird, and little upsetting, thing to go through.” Petra's expression turned a little sympathetic. “We never talked about that, you going through that. A surprise pregnancy through sex is one thing, but that... I know you love Mateo, but you didn't know that yet. You got pregnant because I was being selfish and stupid.”

Petra squeezed Jane's knees, and Jane put her hands over Petra's. “Yeah, you were. Maybe I would have preferred different circumstances, but you being stupid, and Luisa being, well, Luisa, gave me something wonderful. And honestly, besides some of the awful things that have happened, you gave me a pretty interesting life. I wouldn't have anything to write about.”

“That's somehow both comforting and insulting,” Petra said with a little smile. “You're welcome, I guess.”

Jane leaned up and kissed Petra on the nose. She felt deliriously happy. She just wanted to sit here staring at Petra all night, because she couldn't comprehend that this was happening. Nor could she comprehend that Petra hands were sliding up her legs. Jane looked down and Petra's hands ceased moving.

“It's too soon, isn't it?” Petra asked. “We're moving too fast.”

She took her hands away and Jane felt a twinge of disappointment. 

“Well, no... But,” Jane tried to think of something to say. She wouldn't be opposed, but at the same time it did feel too soon. She wanted that moment to be special. “We can wait, I think, if that's okay with you. This room is so cramped, and I think the beds are bolted to the floor so we can't push them together. So, if it's okay with you I think we should...” Jane let out a sharp sigh. “Wait.”

“I'm not as good as waiting as you are,” Petra said with a little playful tone in her voice. “But, you're right. It should be special.”

They both smiled at each other, gave each other one last kiss, then got into their own beds. Jane was feeling bad until she felt a tap on her hand before long fingers wrapped around her own and their hands joined together between the beds.

“Goodnight, Jane.”

“Goodnight, Petra.”

As Jane woke up the next morning, at first she had forgotten what had happened the night before. It slowly came back to her and she looked between the beds and saw their hands hanging over the edges of the beds, separated after they fell asleep. She took silently took Petra in before Petra woke up. She had forgotten what it felt like to be overwhelmingly in love with someone; it had been a while since she felt that for Rafael. She wished she could feel that way forever, but by now she knew that relationships change over time. But that wasn't a bad thing. This was just so new that she didn't know how it was going to change, exactly.

She took Petra's hand in her own again, and after a few minutes, Petra's hand curled around Jane's.

“Good morning,” Petra said with her eyes closed, but a little smile on her face.

“Good morning.”

Petra peeked her eyes open, her smile getting wider as she looked at Jane. “You're just as beautiful in the morning.”

“If I knew you were so gushy when you're in a relationship with someone, I'd be with you sooner,” Jane teased.

Petra looked sheepish for a brief second before bringing Jane's hand to her lips. “I never thought I'd wish I could stay in a shitty motel.”

“We do have to return to real life at some point.”

“And we'll have to tell your family.”

“Our family,” Jane reminded her. “Not like, in a sisters way, though. You know what I mean.”

“What do you think they'll say?”

For someone who over-though things all the time, Jane had thought very little about what her family would think about this. “My mom will have no issue with me being with a woman, but...”

“You're not sure what she'll think about you dating me.”

“Yeah,” Jane answered honestly. “But, I think she'll be fine with it; you've grown on her. She loves you.”

“And your grandmother?”

Jane chewed on her bottom lip. “I'm not sure? She's become more liberal, but she's still...”

“Alba.”

“Right. My dad will be very excited. I can already see the Twitter campaign.”

Petra chuckled. “Rafael will have some trouble with this, I think.”

“I don't know, he's grown as a person. I think he'll... yeah, he'll have some trouble, but I think eventually he'll be okay.”

“Mateo?”

Jane smiled. “Mateo loves you, you know.”

“Really?” Petra looked genuinely touched by this. 

Jane nodded. “He thinks you're cool. Cooler than me.”

“I mean...”

Jane sat up. “I'm not denying it.”

Petra sat up too. “The twins think you're a dork, but they like that about you.”

“Is that the twins, or you?”

Petra shrugged, flashing Jane a toothy grin. “Both.”


End file.
